Every stress-filled job needs a little injection of humor to lighten the workday load. With deadlines zooming, quotas not being met, mistakes made, boss not pleased with your performance, co-workers complaining, and back-stabbing...some days the workplace can seem like nothing but one big self-esteem sucking machine. Since the innate desire to shout and slam will not be acceptable try taking two jokes and laughing your way to the next part of your day.

1. I remember when my attitude at the office was “Look all you want, just don’t touch.” Fast-forward 20 years, and now I’m like, “Touch all you want, just don’t look!”

2. Work, the ultimate self-esteem-sucking machine.

3. I work for a good cause: ‘cause I need the money.

4. It’s true that gray hair makes you look distinguished. It distinguishes you from the younger-looking employees.

5. My boss tried to give me advice, he said I look frumpy and that I dressed better ten years ago. I don’t know why he said that… I wear the same clothes.

6. I used our company Employee Health Referral program. The psychologist asked me, ‘Is it difficult to please your boss?’ I replied, “I don’t know, I never tried.”

7. I worked at a ‘I’ll scratch your back, you stab mine’ kind of place.

8. My boss has different colored eyes…two of them are green

9. Hell…where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t

10. Love is blind, that’s why we feel around so much

11. Top of the morn’ to ye…rest o’ the day to me-self!

12. Our office fridge doesn’t have a crisper…it’s more like a rotter.

13. I work too much. I never have time to date. I’m beginning to think that my headstone will read…’Here lies Kelly, still sleeping alone.’

14. The patient started to settle down after he had been in the hospital for a week, we know because he finally starting waiving at the nurses with all five fingers.

15. The doctor put Sally on a diet, she’s trying to get down to her original weight … six pounds, seven ounces.

16. You know you’ve had a tough day at work when you get home and try to open the front door with your car clicker.

17. The stress level has gotten out of hand when you find yourself at lunchtime standing in front of the microwave yelling, “Hurry!”

18. You know you’ll be working more than 40 hour work weeks when your first day on the job they issue you a badge, lap-top, cell phone and a sleeping bag.

19. The barista at the company coffee shop is getting a big aggressive. First his tip jar said, ‘Thanks a latte’, then it read, ‘Feeling Tipsy?’ now it has a big sign with, ‘Don’t make me put a bug in your drink!’.

20. My friends think I’m pretty and smart…which is why, of course, they are my friends.

21. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

22. Why don’t cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

23. There ought to be more accurate names for deodorants. Why don’t they have names like, Pitt Stop, No Sweat, or for the deodorant that is so effective you don’t even know it’s there, Vice President.

24. They should rename Starbucks to Steal-bucks.

25. I’ve got a frog in my throat; tastes like chicken.